2:25 AM 5/20/2023

The Mind Electric flipped almost exactly as I started writing this lol
I was sitting on the left side, third or fourth row from the stage (my eyesight. So so horrible). There was nobody in front, on the sides of, or behind me. The usual self-loathing-infested thoughts of the loneliness and patheticness of my current predicament crossed my mind. Where are my friends? Does anyone want to talk to me? Are they coming? Are THEY coming? Is someone laughing at me?
Most likely, I didn't even articulate the thoughts this way. There were just taciturn emotions. Or, you know, whatever else there could be, the two AM me can't remember.

Meg comes out from backstage. Waves at me, bless her little heart !! And speaks to me:
Bella wanted to say hi. No way?
Maybe annoying her with the silly little album was worth it.
But she didn't respond? Wait... She didn't do it because I was dumb, annoying, or weird?
I turn back. She waves, pretty damn excitedly.
From both sides I get an invitation to join them.
JOIN - THEM? NO KIDDING?
I say yes in an awkwardly straightforward way and dart off my chair. My gown was fully zipped up, a given considering how much of an anxious nerd I am.
The guy stands up after I wavered by their row for a second, Bella moved aside to let me in closer to the middle. Everyone talked about something nomal people would be able to comprehend, but me being caught so off guard obstructed all trains of thought.

And now they're all leaving, aren't they? This is the last summer with them. Then - college, maybe work, maybe I'm coming back, and maybe, AND THIS TIME I HOPE NOT !, death.

As we moved towards the field house, Kai joined, and I moved as far as possible without looking extremely stunted. 
Supportive shouts didn't sound annoying any longer. I was there, feeling a part of them.
And yet, during the singing of the uncomfortingly well known pop song, and the camera facing directly opposite of me, I felt it again. My smile was just a grimace, I couldn't dance without feeling weird (I'm sorry, Mr. Dengel), and all I could muster was peeping out select words from the paper.
And yet,
I decided to stay there for a second longer,
like a dumb outcast when they get adopdet by the cool kids

deciding to follow them around
running to the teacher
(he didn't have anything to tell me. Way to go, nerd)
and
it was
WORTH IT?

I was invited to go to Andy's, or whatever that ice cream store is, for the second time now. Both times symbolize two very important events in my life, as a step towards becoming my normal self, like I was pre-high school, I guess. And oh boy was it worth it.
Sure, I still can't shake the feeling I annoyed Meg to hell and back, but even Bella called me cool, and they both said we should hang out in the summer? I know how much weight that statement holds, but nonetheless, that's way more than I could've ever asked for, let alone from a day that was going to be absolutely horrible. Sure, I stuttered a lot, and went on tangents about dumb stuff, and absolutely overshared AND overstayed my welcomes, and messed up multiple times, but still, I ended up feeling something I haven't felt in ages now.

Though it's pretty much too late now,

at least I can still remain hopeful.

Thank you.
3:01 AM 5/20/2023